This is a heavily sarcastic article. Be prepared.
Burn down the house.
As we all know from watching The Santa Clause, cooking a turkey can be dangerous. Want to completely ruin Thanksgiving? Don’t keep a fire extinguisher nearby, wear the loosest clothing you own when cooking, then let kids and pets run amok when you’re trying to cook.
Poison your family.
Another great way to kill the mood (and potentially your digestive system) is to allow food to sit out at room temperature for hours. Even better, don’t cook your turkey to the correct temperature (165°). Everyone will spend the rest of the weekend purging and in bed.
Let things tip over on kids.
Know how youngsters enjoy climbing on everything? A trip to the emergency room is a fantastic way to ruin Thanksgiving! Make sure to keep all large furniture items un-bolted from the wall for the most potentially dangerous situation.
Don’t even make it.
Speaking of emergency rooms, here’s another way to spend the holiday there – distracted driving. You won’t even make it to dinner! Let the kids yell, the dogs bark, respond to that work email while driving. These are all splendid ways to completely ruin the holiday. Even better? Be that
idiot person who drinks and drives. Don’t call that Uber, Lyft, cab or friend. Don’t just sleep over or in the car.
Give a dog a bone.
The thing that will bring everyone down this holiday? Harming the beloved family pet. Cooked bones splinter horribly, which means giving them to any animal is a horrendous idea and guaranteed way to earn a $1000 vet bill. Splintered bones can puncture the digestive tract, cause blockages, get stuck in their esophagus and cause choking. 100% chance that Thanksgiving will be ruined.
Obviously, this article is a bit backward. For your and everyone else’s safety, do not actually follow any of the “advice” above. These are all genuine ways to cause harm.
We hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend. We’re going to go stock up on fire extinguishers, bolt heavy furniture to the wall, cook turkeys, drive safely, and give our pets tasty treats.
The Integrated Group office will be closed on Thursday, Nov 22nd, and Friday, Nov 23rd for the holiday. We do have phones being answered for emergencies – (425) 822-8500. See everyone on Monday!
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